The anxiety has been steadily growing. I still have not had a good night of sleep. Whether it is the anxiety or the fact that the darn birds start chirping right outside our window about 4:30 every morning, I am not sure. Maybe, it's a bit of both.
I can say for sure that it started almost immediately after dropping my parents and aunt off at O'Hare on Memorial Day. They came in to see Ali graduate on the 25th. I dropped them off at JetBlue in Terminal 3. Before I made it to Mannheim, the main road outside the airport, the anxiety crept up on me.
I have been going non-stop since the diagnosis. Work was busy. Home life was busy. We were looking forward to many wonderful activities. The Senior Mother Daughter Luncheon, family coming in, the Honors Convocation, Ali's graduation, her commencement address, and the family reunion party. And now, with the extended family gone, it is time for me to concentrate on me, something I have never done well.
I cannot breathe.
I have been trying to keep myself busy and not think about next Monday. I need to get allot of things done before the surgery. Weeding, laundry, organizing at work and at home. It was a blessing when a friend came into my office and reminded me that our offices get cleaned in the summer. She told me that someone else would clear my office but I don't want to burden someone else so I am happily adding one more thing on my to do list. The work keeps me focused on something else.
To top it off, I woke up this morning to find that the mass has changed. When I feel it, it is hard when it was not that way before. The tissue on top of the mass is red, like I have a sunburn. It feels heavier if that is possible. My armpit area is numb and tingles from time to time. I am trying, with difficulty, not to lose it.
I have an email in to both my surgeon and his assistant but today is their day to do surgeries so I have not received a response back yet.
So, I wait.
5 comments:
I love you Mom!! All the way ^ to ***s and down 2 the bottom of the ~~~. Make some time to relax too!
I love you too babe from the *** to the ~~~
We are all here for you and if need some help to get things done, just ask, we are all here. Take time to breathe, visit the chapel where is it quiet and just sit and in a few days it will be done. Love ya, G.
If you want some company, and are looking for something to distract you, you can come over and help me clean my house! Seriously, though - I know it's hard to ask for help, but know that we're here for whatever you need.
I work at the ADA building right next to Northwestern. I'll be working on Monday and Thursday next week. If Greg or the girls are there on Monday, I would be happy to bring them lunch. I'd love to come visit you on Thursday if you're up for it! Let me know what I can do to help.
Love,
Teresa
XANAX!!! Seriously, I have been on/off it a few times. It takes months to get addicted to it but I find when I'm ready to get off it I just taper off real slow and I have no withdrawal symptoms. Just knowing its in my medicine chest helps.
Also, keeping busy is the right thing to do. You can go on with your life and feel the anxiety at the same time. Do not lock yourself in your room - doesn't work!
Luv Ya,
Deanna
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